The Ross/Brand affair leads to Civil War!

I’m back! And what worse way to start up eyedropper again than commenting on the meme du jour? Normal service will resume shortly: Until then, have this mind dribble.

Oct 16, 2008 – The comedians leave several lewd messages on the actor’s answerphone after he was not available for an interview. 

Oct 23, 2008 – Ms Pool emails BBC Radio 2 controller Lesley Douglas to ask for an apology on behalf of her client, Andrew Sachs. Mail on Sunday contacts Sachs’ agent

Oct 26, 2008 – The paper’s headline, ‘BBC obscene phone calls to actor, 78’ is the first mention in the press of the prank phone calls. Brand highlights Mail’s ‘Hitler’ links

Oct 28, 2008 – BBC director of audio and music Tim Davie tours TV newsrooms to assure viewers he would ‘look thoroughly at what happened and take appropriate action’

Oct 30, 2008 – Ross is suspended without pay for 12 weeks – BBC2 to apologise to licence fee payers, complaints reach 37,500

Oct 31, 2008 – Channel Five air an interview with Andrew Sachs’ granddaughter Georgina Baillie in a documentary called Russell & Ross: What the F*** Was All That About?

……… a few weeks later later

The whole event, coupled with the financial meltdown and lack of a good Christmas leads to more unrest. The population falls into two main camps. 

The RossBrands (mainly young knife-carrying urbanites) engage in pitched battles in the streets with the Sachians (mainly older cricket-bat-swinging suburban and rural people)

PM appeals for calm but with the issue splitting even the police force in two he’s powerless to act

Friends, neighbours, even members of the same family all turn on each other. Beatings and lynchings become common. 

No one is going to work, the economy crumbles, inflation is at 500%.

The army, all ready over stretched in Iraq and Afganistan is unable to keep the peace. 

After a 4 day siege the entire staff of BBC Radio York are dragged out and executed by a mob, their remains are hung on the Castle walls

Royal family go into hiding for their own protection

President Obama uses the term civil war, but is unwilling to commit troops at this stage

Like Attlee in ’39, Thompson becomes an ineffective leader constantly appealing for peace and dialogue. Ross stages a coup and installs himself as ‘Content Protector General’ of the BBC. Brand returns as the bizaarly titled “Minister of Joy’ and mounts a campaign of terror.

The BBC releases a massive media bomb from it’s Kingswood Warren labs, saturated the air waves and the internet with propaganda

The Mail, which backs the Sachians resorts to dropping papers out of planes and signs the treaty of Isleworth with Sky to provide “supporting broadcast services” according to the Mail.

The BBC retaliates and declares war on Sky. Channel 4 and Five tries to maintain nutraliaty but most Sachians believe them in league with the BBC

Georgina Baillie declares herself a virgin queen and modern-day Joan of Arc. She commands a huge army of outraged middle-aged men who practice hero worship

BBC Shetland, BBC Jersey and BBC Gurnsey declare themselves breakaway Republics,  Minister Brand brands them traitors but can do little about it

The South Eastern Sachians forces led by General LittleJohn take Dover and blow up the Channel tunnel. General Littlejohn describes is as an “immigrant access facility”

The BBC’s crack Drama division succeed in detonating a ‘dirty bomb’ in the Royal Borough of Tonbridge Wells, having had ‘practice‘ in 2003.

Field Marshall Clifford leads 7,000 troops and captures BBC Manchester, Content Protector General Ross swears to retake it and mounts a massive counter attack from BBC Liverpool and BBC Leeds and Sheffield, the loss of life is the highest yet on both sides leading the campaign to be dubbed the ‘Slaughter of Salford’.

Ross appears on all TV, internet and radio stations at the same time saying the war can be won. But huge areas of the country are in the hands of the Sachians forces.

The war reaches stalemate as the wet summer of 2012 draws in, Britain lies in ruins. The Olympics are cancelled

BBC Props department in conjunction with Kingwood Warren own up to having a fully working TARDIS “we wanted it to look authentic on screen” says Lieutentent Brandon Butterworth 

Former controller Lesley Douglas uses the TARDIS to travel back in time on a one way mission and chooses not broadcast the show – history heals itself

1 Response to “The Ross/Brand affair leads to Civil War!”

  1. 1 Paully November 13, 2008 at 2:24 pm

    And hurrah for the return of the prodigal wanderer!

    Hang on a minute – Webb gets back to the Metropolis, and all hell breaks loose with the BBC again. Hmmm. [narrows eyes]

    Curiouser and curiouser…

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These are my personal views and not those of Channel 4 or the BBC
November 2008

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